Michelle is based in the United States and is 36 years of age. She works for a county government agency. She very recently received a degree in Social Work and plans to get her next degree in Family Studies. Thank you Michelle for agreeing to be involved.
Michelle at her Graduation
Could you tell me a little about your upbringing? Where were you born? Were you from a close-knit/large family?
I was born April Michelle Alford (though I go by Michelle) on September 27, 1972 in a small town called Clinton, NC to my 17 year old single mother. My mom and I lived with my grandparents. I know that I met my “father” but for some reason I cannot remember ever being in his presence. I do remember spending time with his side of the family though.
My mom’s side of the family is very large. My grandmother had 8 children, and most of her siblings had quite a few children. My great aunt had 13 children. So, growing up, even though I was raised in Jersey after I was 5, the cousins would always go back to Clinton for the summers. We stayed close that way. It was really like we grew up together. As we got older, we didn’t keep in touch as much. When we get together at reunions, funerals, or family events, we pick up where we left off. There are only a few of us who actually stay in close contact with one another.
Looking back, how old were you when you first realised you might have been lesbian? Can you remember your first same-sex attraction? How old would you have been?
When I was 4 years old, I was sent to a head start program in Clinton. That is where I had my first girl crush. Her name was Nicole, and she was also 4. Not only was she cute, but she could read. I think that was more of an attraction for me than anything. I knew how to read, and loved the fact that she did too. Isn’t that an interesting concept for a 4 year old? LOL She was a little cutie too though. She wore dresses to head start most of the time.
When you were very young the house you were living in burned to the ground. That must have been an incredibly traumatic time for you and your family. You moved away I believe? How were things for you after that? You were also homeless for a while weren’t you?
When I was 5 years old our house burned down to the ground. I was supposed to be at school that day, but for some reason we overslept. Diane, the girl who used to take me to school, called to see if my mother wanted to send me anyway. My mother told me no, it was ok. My grandfather used to keep the kerosene for the stove by the back door. Well, for some reason he put the gasoline there that day. So, when my mom went to put the “kerosene” into the stove it was blown back out into a closet. The fire started there. My grandmother was home. She had recently gotten paid from her job. My mom was trying to get her out of the house, and she wouldn’t leave without getting her money from the back bedroom. My grandmother was very strong. My mom couldn’t get her out, so she sent me to get the neighbor from across the street.
2 weeks later my grandmother died. Again, for some reason I was home from school. My grandmother had previously had a stroke that affected her right side. We were taking her to a doctor’s appointment at 10 am. We were running late, so my mother took my grandmother into the bathroom to wash herself. My grandmother played in the water in the sink. My mother went in and got her cleaned up. My grandmother kept asking what time it was. My mother assured her that she had called the doctor, and he knew we were running late. At this time, because of the fire, we were living with my grandmother’s sister. My mom came back into the room, and my grandmother again asked for the time. My mother told her the time, and she said, “Ok, I’m ready.” She got up from the bed, preparing to walk toward the door. My mother said, “Aren’t you going to take your cane?” Her reply was, “No, I don’t need it.” As soon as she got to the door of the bedroom, she dropped. My mother called 911 and sent me to get the neighbor.
My grandmother was rushed to the hospital. My mom and I went down to the payphone to call my Aunt in Jersey to let her know what was happening. As we were standing there, my mother heard a “code blue” and saw the nurses running down the hall. She dropped the phone and we followed. The first time the door opened we saw them use the paddles on my grandmother. I saw her body lift off the table. The second time the door swung open they were throwing a white sheet over her. At the age of 5, I don’t ever remember anyone talking to me about death, but at that moment I remember saying, “My grandma is gone forever.” My grandmother was my heart. I can remember all the things we did together. One memory in particular is of the two of us sitting on the porch drinking some Tab (her favorite soda) and eating some Graham crackers. I was sitting on her lap. Growing up I always felt cheated because other kids had their grandmothers, but I am thanking for the time that God gave me to be with her…to love her.
My mother felt no reason to stay in Clinton any longer, so we moved to Jersey City, NJ, which is where one of my mother’s sisters had lived. We moved in with my mother’s friend Kissy (Can’t remember her real name), her sister Vanessa and Vanessa’s son Jermaine. From the moment we got there it was hell. Jermaine, who was younger than I was, would hit on me. At first my mother would tell me not to hit him because I was older. Then one day she told me to knock him out if he touches me. I went through abuse there. Vanessa would abuse me verbally, and allow Jermaine to hit on me while my mother was at work. One day my mother came home early and heard Vanessa saying things to me. She burst in and cursed her out. We left there with nowhere to go. This started our stint of homelessness.
Do you feel your homelife/upbringing and the fact you moved around a lot/didn’t have a lot of money has affected how you view the world/life?
For a while we kind of slept where we could. My mother was working a job every day, and I was in school during the day. I remember my mom asking my Aunt if we could move in with her. My aunt’s reply was that she didn’t have enough room for herself, her son, her boyfriend and us. I believe that was my first dose of reality that sometimes family can hurt you more than strangers. Finally, my mother was able to get an apartment for us. Things were good for a little bit, but then my mother started to have some financial issues. As a result our gas and electricity were turned off. She found someone who could rig the lights, but not the gas. This meant that we would have to live with no heat or hot water. I can remember so many cold days with just a small space heater. I thank God we didn’t die in our sleep.
Being homeless hasn’t given me a negative outlook on life. I believe that you can never tell someone that they can make it, unless you have gone through something yourself. We can all speak the optimistic line “you can make it”, but unless you’ve been there, it’s just a line. I’ve slept in a home with no heat or hot water. I’ve had to go to a friend’s house to get the meal that she cooked for my Mom and I because we couldn’t cook in our apartment. Even though I have gone through all of this, I know it was for a reason. I know that nothing is by chance. God had a reason for it all. When I see homeless people today, I try to help them when I can, because I know how it feels not to know where your next meal is going to come from. People say, “They’re only going to buy liquor.” That doesn’t matter to me. God didn’t tell me to ask what they were going to do with the money. I have squandered more money on less. What they do with it doesn’t bother me. As it says in the bible, “When I was hungry, you didn’t feed me.”
From what I can remember, it was a few years without heat or hot water. When I turned 15 my mother was accepted into subsidized housing, which was the best blessing we could ever ask for. We left with our clothes and our mattresses. That’s it. We moved into a new community that was being built, which is now an affluent section of Jersey City. It felt good to have heat and hot water.
There was a major turning point in your life in your late teens wasn’t there?
When I turned 19 my mother told me something that would change my whole world. She told me that the man who I thought was my father was not, and that she wanted me to meet my real father. Her reason for telling me that one was my father was because the man who got her pregnant had 1 child, got her pregnant, then cheated on her with the mother of my 1st brother. She became pregnant with my 2nd brother a few months after my mom became pregnant. He wasn’t taking care of the first child, so she didn’t want me to have to go through that. A lot of people ask if I hate her for it. I do not nor could I ever hate her, because I know that she did what she thought was necessary at the time. I can’t judge her for that.
I met my father, and it has been 17 years since we met, and he still is not really involved in my life. My Aunt had to talk him into coming to my wedding to walk me down the aisle. I feel that he has more “love” for the 3 children he had by his ex-wife than he does for the 3 that he had outside of marriage. We don’t have deep father/daughter conversations. We have surface talk. He has NEVER bought or given me anything in the 17 years that I have known him. At my wedding, my wife’s father told me I look beautiful. My dad told me nothing.
How important has been the role your mother has played throughout your life? Are you and her close?
My mom has played a very important role in my life. I am the only child she has, so it has just been us. Every struggle that she has gone through, I was right there with her. To this day, I hate to see my mother hurting or wanting for anything. She doesn’t agree with my sexual orientation, so there are times when I will talk about my wife, and she will kind of shut down. But, she still calls. We still talk. I accept where she is coming from. I can’t ask her to understand how I feel, or what I believe if I don’t try to understand and respect where she is coming from. I have to respect her journey.
Do you have any religious/spiritual beliefs? If so, how have you been able to reconcile this with your sexuality?
When I was 24 I became an ordained Minister (Youth Pastor). I no longer update my license because I get so much flack from people about my sexuality and my religion. I still go to church, and I know that God is the head of my life. It hurts me to go to church and hear that God doesn’t love me because of my sexual orientation. I think about all the things that are in the bible that people don’t question. Like how eating shell fish is an abomination. How it talks about divorce. How it talks about cutting off your hand if it offends you. The thing that bothers me most is when people use religion when it best suits them. For example, when my wife and I got married 3 weeks ago, a friend of my wife’s told us she couldn’t come because it was a same sex marriage. She said that she prayed about it, she fasted about it, and she even sought counsel from others. The thing that gets me is this is a person who has had an affair with a married man. This is a person who when involved with a man, has sex with him outside of marriage. So, if you’re praying so hard, and living so much by the letter of the law, how do you reconcile these two differences? I know the bible talks about adultery and fornication. So, my thing to her was, God is not going to give you a word for me without giving you one for yourself. Before He tells you to tell me to stop screwing Mary, He is going to tell you to stop screwing Bob.
You’re now married and obviously very happy.
I am now married to a beautiful woman. We got married on May 23rd. We plan to start having children next year. I am 36 and she is 31. A mutual friend introduced us. We were together in 2004, but it didn’t work out that time around. She wrote a letter to me on the day of our wedding. She didn’t give it to me that day. I read the letter a few days ago, and in it she says, “Back then, I don’t think I was ready for someone as good as you to love me.” We got back together in 2007, and it has been bliss since then. She is like my best friend. I feel like I can share who I am with her…the real me. She is my support system. I am glad that we got back together…and I look forward to forever with her.
What does the closet mean to you? How important is it to be open about being gay? How important is coming out to the individual and wider society? Many believe that coming out is imperative because it allows gay people a face and it’s harder to be prejudicial when people know someone who’s LGBT … what do you feel about this?
For me, being in the closet means being trapped. I am currently somewhat in the closet, fighting my way out. I was raised in a very religious home. It was also a home where you didn’t let everyone know your business, and what people thought about you mattered. I am fighting against those things now. I know that what people think about me should matter, but not to the extent that it keeps me from being who I am. I use a certain quote as my mantra to give me strength to come out to everyone. “I’d rather be loved for who I am than be loved for who I am not.”
I recently had a cousin tell my Aunt about my wedding. My Aunt did not know that I was gay. My Aunt has since begun to spread the news around to the family members who did not know. Part of me felt relieved because now they know…now I don’t have to hide anything. The other part of me, the part that was raised to worry about what people think of me, wonders how people would see me now.
I think it’s very important to be open about being gay. People will continue to be ignorant and hostile when they don’t know. Some people think they don’t know any gay people, but I believe everyone knows at least one. I believe that I must step forward and not allow people to push me back into the closet. I agree that it’s harder to be prejudicial about the people you know, but I also believe that there are some folks who will hate regardless. It doesn’t matter if it’s family. Another Aunt was recently told about my marriage, and she called me and asked if it was true. Once we talked about it, she called me back and said, “You have always been my favorite niece, and you still are. I love you, and nothing has changed.” I think those are the kinds of things that we need to hear…those of us who may fear coming all the way out because of what people may say. We need to know that it’s ok to tell family, not just those we feel it’s “safe” to tell. The road has been hard, but I know it’s something I must do.
You’re graduating soon…
I graduated from college on June 12th with an Associate of Arts degree in Social Work. I will transfer to University of Cincinnati to get my Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies…then my Masters in Social Work. I worked very hard for this degree. I have been taking 2 classes per quarter for the past 4 years. There are times when I wish I could quit working and go to school full time, but I know that’s not the lot that I was given. I must work with what I have been given. When I was in the 5th grade I had a teacher tell me that I would never amount to anything. That has always stuck with me. This degree is proof to me, that I can do anything I set my mind to. Every thing may not be in my favor, but if I work hard enough at it, it will all work out all right. I graduated with honors, and that’s something to be proud of.
How important are friends to you?
Friends are very important to me, but I’ve learned a lesson about friends. Over the years it was about the number of friends for me…the quantity. Now I know it’s about the quality of those friends. I can have one friend in this world, but if that friend is everything that I need, then that’s ok with me. It took me a while to get to that point. I always thought my wife has the best group of friends. They are very supportive, and they’re about something positive. They have their degree, Masters, Doctorates, etc. They have accepted me into the fold, and I appreciate that.
What has been the greatest lesson learned in life so far?
Take things in stride. Sometimes I take things to heart. I am still learning that it’s not that serious. All the stuff that I stress about today won’t even matter tomorrow. I am trying to live in the moment, because that’s what matters. Making the most of the time that I have, and showing the people in my life the love that I have for them is what’s important to me.
What do you do to relax?
I spend time with my wife. We’ll sit on the couch and read together…do crossword puzzles together and things of that nature. I also spend time making handmade greeting cards for my Etsy shop, Hers and Hers Greetings.
Who are your heroes/heroines?
My mother is my hero. She has gone through a lot, but she still remains strong. I love that about her. I am my own hero also. After all that I have been through, stuff that I haven’t mentioned on here, I have remained true to myself. I try to help people whenever it is in my power to do so.
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve been given? What advice would you give to others based on your own life experiences?
I would say the best advice that I’ve ever been given to me by my mother. She told me to be to others what I would want them to be to me. Never expect from someone else what I am not willing to give to myself. I would pass that advice along to everyone. I would tell others that they are not defined by their circumstances. It’s not about the situation you’re in, but how you respond to that situation. Also, I would tell anyone, never allow others to dictate how you live your life…be true to who you are. My last bit of advice is, never make a person a priority when all you are to them is an option!
What are you reading or listening to currently?
I am currently listening to India.Arie’s new CD, Testimony Volume 2: Love and Politics, and I am reading “To Sir With Love” by E.R. Braithwaite.
If you could go anywhere in the world for a vacation, where would it be and why?
This is going to sound very simple, but I would want to go to Canada. I have never been before, and I have always wanted to go. The area would be Toronto (Gay Toronto) to be more specific.
Thank you Michelle for a stunning interview.
Hers and Hers Greetings – Michelle’s Etsy shop
I am excited about the social work class. The professor will be the same, and most of the ladies who took the class last quarter will be in the class this quarter. It’s nice to know folks when you go in.
